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So, I just celebrated an anniversary of an event that happened in our family , that some might not consider a celebration.. It’s a big milestone for me to be able to even write about it . I know that I have been encouraged over the years, by someone giving a testimony to how God has helped them through a trial, I decided that it was now time to share my story..
A year ago around this time, my husband had a heart attack.. Gosh, seeing that phrase, it still seems like it’s about someone else.. Anyway, as we decided to make the decision to head to the ER, I grabbed my supersized purse , which always has my tablet and a notebook in it. I’m old school, I still take notes during church or conferences.. I love looking over the nuggets of wisdom that I received over the years. As we headed to the emergency room, I remember thinking , well I guess
No more red sauce, or maybe the dinner at that new restaurant that we tried the night before didn’t sit well. As we arrived, the ER ramp was blocked , so I pulled by the stairs and told my husband to head on up while I parked the car. Little did I know as I watched him pull himself up the stairs, I would forever feel guilty for my lack of compassion in that moment….
What you are about to read is what God had me write that night, as my soul was soothed as I waited …..
Now I know when people say that out of body experience, what it means.. Your brain is trying to connect to reality.
Reality –
Nurse .. “Your Husband may or may have not had a heart attack , you can come back into the room …
Reality –
You enter a room with a nurse on each side looking for veins and then a blood pressure monitor beeping 190/11 then 190/125 .. beep is so loud , the voices are mumbling .. IV’s are hooked up …
ER doctor is talking to you asking what you ate , I’m sitting in a chair watching this episode of life and it’s like I’m completely invisible .. Enter the cardiologist who says this is the second part of something that may have started weeks ago..
Reality – Doctor says we are doing a procedure to try to clear the blockage , then just as quick as they set everything up, they start unhooking everything to bring you to surgery .. I even hear a nurse say let’s give him more morphine for the pain, then we can let him go…. Let him go?? What?? I looked at you and saw that tear stream down your face, wondering if it was it from pain or fear?
I kiss you and say I love you before they wheel you away…. Then I’m alone in that same room just staring at all of the equipment… About 10 minutes later the same nurse that greeted me, comes back to clean and is startled to see me sitting there , I guess they forgot.. I ask how long is surgery and she says 30 minutes to 3 hours !
I wish this chick could just commit!!!
She then directs me to the ICU waiting room. About waiting rooms, hard bench chairs, vending machines and free coffee… Do I dare drink this coffee that magically appears at the push of a button that you never know how old it is? Do I want the caffeine or do I just want to sleep and pretend I’m not here…
Reality – I’m here alone, do I call kids.. My oldest did text to say to keep her posted. In our last conversation, I said Dad’s going to be fine.. He is.. I decided to just tell her later on in the morning, there’s nothing she can do anyway.. I then decide to not call anyone else, it’s 1:00 in the morning and I have my notebook to keep me company. The words are flowing without distractions and it is soo comforting . God – I feel your presence – Is this why I have no fear? What is this disconnect that I have? Is it Peace? Is it fear? Tears stream down my face as I start playing that reel in my head about the unknowns and the what if’s?
Across the waiting room is another family, looks like they have been here a while, snacks, ice chests and blankets, I don’t plan on being here that long …
An hour has passed and I’ve been listening to worship music writing over and over , “God I love you, God I need you, God I trust you”… Then at the 2 hour mark “GOD Thank you!!” I started feeling God’s presence stronger than ever.. And I clearly heard the words “Be Still”
“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
Thank you God that I got to feel your presence, Thank you God that the Cardiologist said it was going to be O.K. !!
This is a condensed version of things that happened that night, but you get the idea.. That point of complete surrender and uttermost trust is when I know God Showed Up!!!
What does it mean to be still and know I am God?
To “be still “ in Hebrew means to let go, stop striving, slacken and let drop. It’s a picture of loosening our clenched grip on the circumstances and outcome and trusting God who’s sovereign over both. I’m the first to admit that being still goes against my instinct. We are fixers. We want to make it happen and just keep pushing through, but the call to be still is a call to surrender. It means giving up the myth of control to depend wholly on God.
So today, I’m so grateful that I get to Celebrate my life with my amazing husband of 29 years… Our life and our Love for each other is ever stronger because of the goodness of God.. I have a new perspective on Love … I find that we both are drawn to Love more freely, as well as love without expectation… I find we don’t overthink things as much and embrace the day …. I pray you get that this year; I pray more that you don’t have to go through a trial to have a new perspective… Every day represents a new beginning; take time to celebrate those around you. Maybe you don’t have a significant other or you know someone feeling especially lonely this year … A little love goes a long way …..