“I’ve just had an apostrophe…” – Smee (Hook, 1991)
Ever have an epiphany about yourself, suddenly, unexpectedly – and it leaves you a little flummoxed? I was sitting in the LifeSongs Studio preparing the next morning’s show with Nancy when out of nowhere – in the deep recesses of my mind – I thought: I treat my work life just like I treated school – get the job done – survive the social interaction as best you can.
Thanks to insecurity my entire life (often due to my large size), I never quite felt like I fit in. I excelled academically. I was creative. I can make people laugh. But in the end, from childhood on into adulthood, I struggle to find the value in myself. Deep down I just assumed that people put up with me because I can do something for them (i.e. get them an A on a group project or produce at work in a time sensitive manor). This even trickles into my faith walk.
Ever feel like you got in on this whole Jesus-thing like you were invited to a birthday party for a class-mate where their parents made them invite the whole class? You know you aren’t on the guest list for any reason other than a vague parental requirement for fairness. Sometimes, that’s how I feel about Jesus dying on the cross for me. He did it for people much better than me – folks who will transform the world for His kingdom in ways I never could. Surely I’m not the only person who loves and accepts Jesus but also harbors that bit of doubt that maybe He was really smiling and talking to someone just behind me at the lockers and now they are laughing about me…
These feelings of insecurity are real. But they are also a lie. You see, Jesus loves me. Like LOVES me. He thinks about me. He listens to me. He hurts when I hurt and He did indeed die on the cross with my sin on His mind. He also does this for you. Even if you don’t feel valuable – you are. Dear sweet-baby-Jesus you are so so valuable! The highest price that could ever be paid was paid IN FULL for you. And Jesus has never once regretted you.
I don’t know at what point my insecurity becomes sin, but I am sure that at points it has been. There’s a line in every heart where doubt becomes accusing God of lying. His grace is enough, but do I really want to push God’s patience? Nah. So I’m trying to step out of doubt and enter into hope.